I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
