Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize