This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
