There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
