never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
