Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
