I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
