I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
