Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
