Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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