Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
