Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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