When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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