ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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