oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
