i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
