I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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