He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
