i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
