No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
