I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
