When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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