The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
