Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
