This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
