dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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