I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
