I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
