dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
