I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
