Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
