It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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