so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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