bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
