It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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