you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
