I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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