I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
