So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
