I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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