I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
