If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
