If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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