I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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