Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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