I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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