you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
