Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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