Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
