I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize