and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
