I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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