Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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