fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
