dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
