Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
